“Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.” Swiss philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau
(This is an unsolicited advice column on the perils of giving unsolicited advice. I realize and accept the hypocrisy in it.)
Let’s paint the picture. One minute you’re chit-chatting with a family member, enjoying dinner. Then, without warning, a well-intentioned but joy-stealing comment slaps you upside the head.
“You know, you really should start dating someone. I think you’d be so much happier. I believe there’s someone out there for you.”
Yes, the dreaded advice-giving Grinch shows up at the party, making you feel like a two-bit loser fresh from the lock-up pen at the county jail.
Smiling weakly, you nod your head and go hide in the restroom awhile, planning an escape from advice prison.
Yes, the punishing ritual of one person telling another person how to live unrelentingly pushes on like the sun rising in the east.
Issues such as dating, marriage, weight, children, hair, money, and jobs give us just the tip of the advice-giving iceberg lurking in conversation waters.
My own advice hell got me thinking about the art of giving and receiving advice. Mine involved a friend suggesting that I needed a girlfriend (but in much more stark terms) and me telling my daughter how to improve her writing style (not appreciated). Both caused people to wince.
Why do people give unsolicited advice?
Telling the difference between unsolicited advice and an insult takes a keen ear. The first step involves understanding why the person gave the unsolicited advice.
Reasons people give their two cents include:
- They want to help because they care.
- They want to belittle others.
- They are upset with your actions.
- They want to appear superior. The unsolicited advice givers tend to be grandiose, believing that they are more intelligent or sensible than others.
- Compulsion rules them more than self-awareness so they lack compassion regarding others’ thoughts and feelings.
- They are absolutist in their thinking, perceiving things in an all-or-nothing way.
- Their own life stinks and are really speaking to themselves.
- They want you to help them.
- They seek control and order because of perfectionist tendencies. .
- They’re messing with you to gain power.
- A position of authority lets them do it with impunity.
- They avoid their own problems by helping others.
- They’ve changed and want everyone to change like the ex-smoker, the person who found Jesus or the now-skinny friend.
Understanding the other person’s intention helps process the information with less emotion.
Receiving advice
Receiving unasked-for advice is a difficult proposition. Someone pointing out a hole in your game is never easy but may be useful. Almost all advice given has at least of kernel of truth in it. (So yes, it wouldn’t hurt me to get a girlfriend.)
Keep these secrets in mind when receiving advice.
- Always thank the person for the suggestion, no matter how off the wall. They want to help so don’t be rude.
- Accept we are all imperfect.
- Try to understand why they are giving the advice (see list above).
- Dig deeper if you value their opinion by asking questions and discussing options.
- Ask for concrete suggestions, not just clichés.
- Agree to meet to discuss ways to improve if it makes sense or ask them to be a mentor.
- Don’t get emotional when hearing negative words. Listen quietly and don’t interrupt or defend.
- Once finished, step back and be objective. Make bad information positive. Realize some truth may be in their words.
- The most important point is to understand that you make all decisions.
Giving advice
Giving unsolicited advice appears easier but involves much more danger in boom-a-ranging back to you. Be mindful of these points when telling others what’s wrong with them.
- Be positive. Always be positive.
- Realize other people aren’t you. What you do has nothing to do with anyone else.
- Walk away from the advice when done. Say what you have to say and let it go. Don’t dwell or nag.
- You can’t control the person so don’t try.
- Ask yourself “Why am I giving this advice?” Do you have a legitimate answer?
6. Don’t let good fortune make you an “expert.” If the universe shines on you don’t think it makes you smarter than others.
7. Don’t give advice when angry or drinking alcohol.
8. Avoid personifying the saying of “do as I say not as I do.” The best lead by example, not words.
9. Don’t take advantage of position. Being a boss, parent, or best friend doesn’t make you an expert in all fields. Stay in your own lane, bro.
10. Give examples or suggestions not clichés. Telling someone to “try harder” does no good.
11. Be realistic. Make achievable suggestions.
12. Be kind. Approach life like everyone’s doing their best.
13. Reward improvement. If someone improves thanks to your advice then give them credit. Don’t steal credit by saying “You can thank me for your improvement.”
14.. Avoid giving advice to people you do not know well unless asked. You don’t know their circumstances so don’t shoot in the dark.
15. Use “I like to” statements rather than “you should” statements. People wince at being told what to do.
16. Encourage…encourage….encourage.
Conclusion
Unsolicited advice attempts to put Rousseau’s chains on us and we reject them. Almost all people want a sense of independence and freedom.
Unsolicited advice usually means people care in a twisted way but the words come out as “tough love” or a “reality check.” Just keep an open mind and heart.
The next time a well-intentioned friend says something like “hey fatso, you need to start going to the gym” don’t blow up and punch them in the nose. Step back and remember you have the freedom and independence to make all decisions.
And when giving unsolicited advice remember the words sound like chains locking onto their free soul. Now who wants some of that?
Advice giving is a slippery slope. Hopefully a few of these thoughts will bubble up the next time you hear “Dude, did you dress in the dark this morning?”
John McGory is the author of the book Seeking Balance: The ultimate guide to English-speaking excellence for the shy, foreign, or frustrated